...will do you good.
What a way to start a blog, eh? Already delving into the good, the bad, and the REALLY ugly.
I've decided, just two short months into the new year, that things have got to change around here. Not anyone in particular. Not any situation in particular. But ME. I need to change. I had this image of myself in my head. Good wife, good mom, good friend. But the last few weeks, it's like it's all flashing in front of me like a movie, and I may be *ok* at the above activities, but I'm nowhere even CLOSE to what I thought I was. I've actually regressed in my abilities. And I've failed a few special people that I care about so deeply.
I want to start fresh. I wish I could just go back in time and erase the wrong I've done to just about everyone I've come into contact with throughout my life. But I know that's impossible. However, I can start to mend the hurts I've already caused, and sweep away the ashes of the bridges already burned. I figure, like everyone else and their mother, if I keep a blog about things I want to change, I'll be more likely to stick to my guns because I'll be held accountable. Not necessarily to readers. I mean come on, I'm sure there are blogs titled better than mine, more interesting than mine, hell, even wittier than mine (with better spelling tah boot! *wink*) But this blog is for me. *Ok I can't say that without knowing in my heart that I would LOVE for someone to read this.. then I'd REALLY be accountable for my actions!*
SOOOO, it is with heavy fingers I type out what's to change, and what my plan of action is to fix it.. besides grabbing an industrial sized band-aid!
*Better Wife
-There's TONS I could list here. Ever since my husband returned from Iraq a year ago, things just haven't clicked with us. I've blamed everything from PTSD, to PPD, to our busy fast paced life, to the military. Well, I'm done blaming and I'm taking it into my own hands. He really tries SO hard to make me happy and I can never be appeased. I realize now that it's not him, it's me. I'm not happy with MYSELF and the person I've allowed myself to become.
-What I'll do to fix it (sans band-aid): I'm going to make a conscious effort to do more for him/with him. Stop going out with friends for a little while until we can get back to *us* or something similar to it. I'm going to stop being so negative about us to others. Even if there is something I'm not happy about, it should be between him and I, not me, Jane, Suzy, and Dick (hehe).
*Better Mom
-This one is something I've been struggling with for a while. I was completely happy with my parenting, until I started looking at the way others parent. Now, by no means am I parenting in a "normal" way. I'm an attatched, bed sharing, breastfeeding, cloth diapering, babywearing mom. But, as much as I don't want to admit it, I could be so much more *involved* for a lack of a better term. I can't give examples because at the moment, they slip my mind, but improvements can be made. I really feel as if it's the people I surround myself with. Example: One mother that I have recently started befriending had CPS called on her *for bogus reasons, but still*. What happened to me that I'm involving myself with people like this? I could have them at my door just as fast if I step on the wrong toes in that situation. Do I really want my daughter in that environment? Do I really want to risk it? What was I thinking?!
-My plan of action right now is to surround myself with people who genuinely care about the well being of my family. My daughter as well as my husband, is my number one priority. When I thought that someone could come in and take her from me.... I mean.. I didn't sleep for two days. Every twitch of her body made me jump. I want to be the mom I was three months ago. I just need to "weed the garden", and i KNOW I'll be back in a good place with her. I just hope I didn't miss too much in my hiatus...
*Better Friend
-This is one I've been struggling with for a while as well. I just can't seem to find an equal balance of Mom/Wife/Friend. I'm always double, even TRIPLE booking myself trying to make everyone happy. I've started resorting back to trying to be everyone's savior again. Am I not confident enough in my life that I need that extra *oomph* from *saving* someone? I've found myself sucked back into old habits. Lying and sneaking thinking I'm saving someone's feelings when in all actuallity, I'm making things worse and pushing the people I love the most farther and farther away. I'm a big bridge burner. When I screw up, I get so embarrassed by it that I just burn the bridge and move on. I cut off all contact. I stop going places I know the other one could possibly be. I totally shake up my whole world because I just can't face my mistakes. I feel as though I put in a nail *on the previously mentioned bridge* to try and mend it.. and not even ten minutes later, I realize that nail knocked out fifteen others, and now the hole is beyond repair. No matter how many times I repeat this process, I never learn. I could put the blame on others around me, but in reality, it's me. It's always been me. I'm NOT a good friend. I should have realized that when I left my BEST FRIEND back home in St. Louis, telling her I was coming to Cali to visit my husband, and I never talked to her again. Three months later she was in a terrible car accident and is now mentally retarded. Even when I visited her in her nursing home, she forgave me. I walked away saying I would call her the next morning. That was two years ago this April.. and I have yet to speak to her again. I just don't know what is wrong with me that I keep self destructing. The people I have in my life now are priceless, each and every one of them. I just don't understand why I can't find the right balance to make them, and myself happy! Why is it so hard!?
-So, this is where I tell you how I'm going to fix it. As of right now, I don't even know where to begin. I think I'm going to just take the week to spend with my wonderful daughter here at home. Pack a little, play a little, maybe visit the park. Just work things out in my head. Give myself some space to *start fresh* I guess. As of now, my bridges are made of a tattered rope, and they're clinging for life. Some may be damaged beyond repair. I just hope the people on the other side can bear with me as I sort things out in my head and will still be there when the bridge is up and running again...
So there ya have it. Me.. in a nutshell. A mother, a wife, a friend at times, an enemy at others, still trying to find my place in this wide wide world...
I'm Lizz... Nice to meet you.
